the realist has no illusions

As I near the end of my first semester of college, I’ve come to realize that I have far too much time and at the same time far too little. I’ve always fussed with the minor things that are beyond my control. And the truth is, I have absolutely no say in how my life is actually to go. I’ve spent almost two semesters torn between pursuing something I know I’ll have a job in and fulfilling something I’ve always known I’ve wanted. It’s conflicting when you’re caught in the middle. But really, there isn’t a middle ground.

I’ve started to flip coins. I’ve used this to figure out the little decisions in my life. Heads’ is sushi for dinner, tails’ is Mexican. The coin tosses, lands in my hands, and of course flipped once more. I get tails. I’m disappointed. I know I did not actually want to eat Mexican for dinner. Instead, I get sushi. These simple tasks require immediate decisions yet I can’t come to the head to make a decision. At least for now, but that’s what the coin is for.

This last semester, I’ve tried to convince myself of what I really want. I’ve reassured myself that the fashion industry is where I belong. I guess I enjoy fashion but it has not fulfilled me in the ways I’ve expected it to. Before I graduated, I was beyond excited to go to college, to start fresh, grow up, and live out the dream I’ve played in my head. I have finally gotten to experience the bits of independence of growing up from riding trains during the wee hours of the night and accidentally getting offered the happy hour menu at 24-hour brunches spots near Union Square despite being young enough for free entry at the Whitney Museum. In a lot of ways, I’ve been truly happy with how the first few months of college turned out. But again, in a lot of ways, I’ve found myself asking if this is all there is?

Since I’ve started college, I’ve developed this will to leave an imprint. Or some sort of recognizable mark on the planet. I don’t know how I’ll do it or when at the least. But I want to be something great. I wanted to exceed the limits I’ve set on myself. If this this all there is, I want to be all that I can and more. I find it strange that I am so keen to being alive, yet still so scared of actually living the life I want.

So, I’ve decided to flip a coin once last time. Heads’ is fashion business, Tails’ is fine arts.

And the coin flips.

Heads.

I don’t want heads. I know I want fine arts, and that is exactly what I’m going to do.

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