I never thought I’d be writing this blogpost. September of my senior year I settled on pre-med. I now realize that isn’t something you can settle on. It just seemed easier to pick a more guaranteed path. I mean it’s pretty hard to be unsuccessful as a doctor, right? Whenever I was asked about my plans for college I’d reply, “I think I’m just going to go to med school, or “I think I’m just going to do the whole dermatology thing.” I completely erased the idea of art school and told myself that art was a hobby, not a career. I didn’t want to make the decision of going to art school, so I avoided the decision as a whole. I guess it’s a natural fear of being out of control. I want to be in control of every aspect of my life even though realistically, it is completely impossible. I know how completely unhealthy it sounds, but you’d be surprised at how easy it is to avoid decisions.
By November, with less than three months, I realized I could not turn away from art school. I had almost settled on medical school. 12 years of debt and a lifetime of self inflicted boredom. I almost pursued a career in the medical field not because I enjoyed science or helping people, but because I was too much of a coward to decide on what I really wanted.
Making decisions is something that I need to get over. It feels like I’m stuck in a restaurant sometimes. I am torn between a creme brûlée and molten lava cake. Two amazing desserts but which one do I really want? Exactly. I don’t. Both seem great, right? Do I really settle for the lava cake? Then again is that settling? Lava cakes really are great. I just need to learn how to decide between them and just pick. Not even decide, it’s just a matter of doing it. I need to learn how to live with my own decisions. I need to learn that making the wrong decision is okay too. Who knows. Maybe I will hate art school and I was better off at medical school. Who really knows. What I do know is: making a decision based on fear is never a good idea. This blog post isn’t really insightful because it’s just the way things are. It’s just a reiteration of what I’m supposed to know. Just following what I know is not a strong suit of mine. That is also okay. It’s just something I have to work on.
By the way, I’ll take the sorbet. I’m not in the mood for a lava cake or creme brûlée.